Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
