Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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