I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
