I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
