just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
