my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
zippers are such a cool invention
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
