His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
