What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
