I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
