Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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