Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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