because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
