I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
