Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
