You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
