he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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