I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
