he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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