I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it's like iHOP with fire
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
