I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
