I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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