Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
