Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's official drugs can't kill me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
