dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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