trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
