I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
