who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
