I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
