We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
