I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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