grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
