I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
