the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
