I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
