Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
