I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
