I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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