I think my vagina is haunted
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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