You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
