I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
