cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
