it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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