I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
please come you make the beer taste better
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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