she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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