she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
