He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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