True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
