well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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