I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
