Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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